i feel like chicken tonight

Roast Chicken

by Brooke C

1 whole chicken
olive oil
various tuberiffic veggies, randomly cut into assorted sizes to ensure unequal doneness


  • find roasting pan at the bottom of cabinet under kitchen sink. Wash out dust.
  • Preheat oven to 450. No, not a reasonable 350 or 325. We want black skin and pink juice.
  • Place veggies (ooh, parsnips!) in bottom of pan, toss in EVOO and ‘herbes du Provence,’ just to say you did.
  • Salt and pepper liberally. This is the only case in which you may be liberal. 😉
  • Pause to yell at 7-year-old to get out of the bathroom: “the bathroom is not for reading comic books!”
  • Gingerly cut away at germ-ridden chicken-in-bag, pinkies out.
  • Wash hands every five seconds.
  • Dump a tablespoon of salt into cavity; cringe and shrug.
  • Massage outer bird with salt, pepper, EVOO. Place lovingly on rack in pan, whispering sweet nothings. Place in oven.
  • Swat 2-yr-old for throwing a giant fit. “You don’t get a snack until you CALM DOWN.”
  • 40 minutes, a load of laundry, and an emptied fridge later: admire the beauty of the browning bird, take temperature (180! great!), then cut into it to find it’s still pink.
  • Proceed to remove bird every ten minutes for another hour and marvel at the Chicken That Never Cooked.
  • Eat wooden shards of overdone meat dipped in pink juice of still-raw meat. delish.
  • Scrape incinerated ex-veggies off bottom of pan.
  • Give up and go to bed.

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